


The Assassin's Wedding

by ms_prue



Category: Gentleman Bastard Sequence - Scott Lynch
Genre: I Can't Believe It's Not Shakespeare
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-07-04
Updated: 2014-07-04
Packaged: 2018-02-07 10:30:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,239
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1895772
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ms_prue/pseuds/ms_prue
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Lucarno, Therim Pel's most famous playwright, author of such beloved classics as "The Tragedy of the Ten Honest Turncoats", "The Empire of Seven Days" and of course "The Assassin's Wedding".</p><p>Anfisa, assassin for hire, has been caught in the act by her intended victim, a Prince of the realm. Her body and her life are now forfeit, but instead of throwing her in prison, the Prince has a more unusual idea of justice.</p><p>Lucio, the Prince's friend and assassin on behalf of the throne, pines for true love but despairs of finding a wife who can reconcile herself to his bloody calling. At the Prince's command, Anfisa is delivered to Lucio to become his bride. But will the couple find happiness, or poisoned daggers in their backs?</p><p>WHAT DO CRITICS HAVE TO SAY ABOUT THE GREAT LUCARNO?</p><p>"*****" -- Jean Tannen</p><p>"Mawkish sentiment, obvious self-satisfaction and so many little puns about fucking." -- Captain Jaffrim Rodanov</p><p>"Your brains will go soft with all that mush." -- Locke Lamora</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Assassin's Wedding

**Author's Note:**

> 4/7/14  
> Hello folks, and welcome to this work in progress of Lucarno's "The Assassin's Wedding". Or, as I should rightly say, Scott Lynch's Lucarno's "The Assassin's Wedding". You may recall this classic of Therin Throne literature from that one line quoted by Captain Rodanov somewhere in the hefty volume of Red Seas Under Red Skies. Or you may not. To be honest, recalling the line will have no bearing on your enjoyment or otherwise of a clumsily-written, mock-Elizabethan style smutty comedy about two people who, despite all the odds being stacked in that direction, don't wind up dead at the end.  
> Apologies in advance for all my fuck-ups, which will doubtless include the formatting, the writing, the editing, the chapters, the updates and even these notes. I hope you can overlook it all for the sake of cheap laughs.

PERSONAE

 **The PRINCE** , ruler of the city  
 **LUCIO** , the Prince's personal assassin  
 **ANFISA** , an assassin, unsuccessful in her attempt on the Prince's life  
 **FIORINO** , Lucio's best friend and accomplice  
 **CAELIA** , a gentlewoman of court and Lucio's sister  
 **NEREUS** , Lucio's rival at court for the Prince's favour  
Royal Guards  
Servants  
Wedding Guests  
Chorus

 

PROLOGUE

[Enter Chorus.]

Chorus: A Prince of our realm has caught an assassin!  
The bold Anfisa tried to stab him in his bed.  
Our regal Prince! None have just cause to wish him ill,  
Even if his sense of justice and humour are somewhat askew.

Our cunning Prince has plans for this Anfisa,  
Her punishment's to marry _his_ assassin.  
Now the lonely Lucio is getting ready for his wedding--  
Come, fellow well-wishers, place your bets on who will die first!

[Exit Chorus.]

 

SCENE 1

_Daytime. The receiving room of Lucio’s villa._

[Enter Caelia and Fiorino, visibly flustered.]

Caelia: Ho there, Fiorino. For what am I summoned, and in such haste?

Fiorino: It concerns your brother, my lady. Something of great importance has arisen.

Caelia: A matter such as your master and you, his right hand man, cannot handle alone must be huge indeed. What’s the cause of this excitement?

Fiorino: The Prince is going to pay us a call.

Caelia: What, here? At Lucio’s house? It’s no secret Lucio and our Prince are close, but it is custom we wait upon the Throne’s pleasure, not the other way around.

Fiorino: It seems the Prince has invited himself.

Caelia: Gods preserve us! It falls to me, then, as the woman of the house, to defend our honour and make this poor place fit for royal eyes. I’ll rouse the servants with all haste. How much time has our Prince allowed us to prepare for his visit?

Fiorino: The message is unclear, for the poor exhausted runner has cast up her accounts all over the kitchen. But it would seem he is expected any moment.

Caelia: Fu—

[Enter the Prince and Anfisa, flanked by Guards.]

Caelia: —For the blessings of all the gods have fallen in abundance on our house today. [Fiorino and Caelia make obeisance to the Prince.]

[Enter Lucio, almost too late—he makes his bows deepest of all.]

Prince: Rise, good people! Propriety will only delay my satisfaction. My business is brief, and what ceremony it demands I will have dispatched with all expedience. Lucio, my friend, I have brought you a wife.

Lucio: You have, my lord?

Prince: Step forward, Anfisa.

[The Guards make way for Anfisa, who moves with great reluctance.]

Prince: Lucio, you have earned much favour in my service, and I would reward you again. Three days from now, in sight of the gods and our households, you and Anfisa will be wed.

Lucio: My lord, this is unexpected indeed.

Prince: My faithful Lucio, you confided in me your want of a wife, and it so happens the gods have given me the opportunity and authority to grant your wish. Anfisa, what say you to Lucio?

Anfisa: [quietly desperate] Dear sir, I beg you to accept. My life is nothing if you reject me.

Lucio: I am so well recommended to you, lady?

Prince: There are none more suited than the pair of you. Now, come, there’s no more time to waste. Caelia, stalwart lady, I give Anfisa into your charge. You shall be her travelling companion on her journey to the altar. Away now, and do what is necessary for joy and honour.

Caelia: As my lord commands. Come, Anfisa.

[Caelia and Anfisa curtsey and exit.]

Prince: Fiorino, bring the happy news to the household, with my blessings. [The Prince gestures to a Guard, who steps forward to give Fiorino a large purse.]

Fiorino: As my lord commands. [He bows and exits.]

Prince: Now, Lucio, let us have some private conversation.

Lucio: Indeed, I desire it, my lord.

[The Guards retreat discreetly, out of earshot.]

Prince: We are friends, Lucio, are we not?

Lucio: Friendship is a poor shade compared to my love for you, my Prince.

Prince: Flattery! Though your private services to our throne cannot be given words, you may count my gratitude in coin. My affection for your person is no secret, but spoken aloud by all at court.

Lucio: In affection, then, you choose me a bride?

Prince: I confess, I have made your betrothal a private matter.

Lucio: Our private matters are politics and death, my lord. You confide in me your problems, and I intercede to bring them to the gods’ personal attention.

Prince: Your service to me is as valuable as your friendship, Lucio and I have neither servant more skilled nor friend more loyal than you. This here is a most irregular arrangement, and I must tell you plain; in this matter you may take your reward in flesh or in coin.

Lucio: I believe I understand, my lord. However, my choice is clear. As I have confided to you before, she with whom I would be as one flesh, I would also be as one mind, and yet the woman who could understand our private matters does not exist. This Anfisa seems comely and obliging enough, as females go, but I doubt I’ll truly prize her company. I should rather empty your purse than fill hers.

Prince: Very well. The decision is yours alone. I have set your task, and as always, I trust you to carry it out faithfully.

Lucio: As you command, my lord, it shall be done. Three days hence I take my wife.

[Lucio and the Prince clasp hands to seal the arrangement. Exit the Prince and his guards.]

[Enter Fiorino.]

Fiorino: I have kicked anthills to less effect than delivering the Prince's edict to your household, Lucio. We are allotted three days, but they make such haste 'tis possible you'll be married before sundown.

Lucio: How charming that they are so moved by my good fortune.

Fiorino: Good fortune indeed moves them. As for your nuptials, they seem happy enough.

Lucio: At least someone has found joy in this affair. Fiorino, my confidential companion, all my secret business is known to you, and this matter shall be no exception. The matter, in this case, is my betrothed.

Fiorino: I'll be damned! What's the girl to him?

Lucio: I know not. Humour me and keep close watch on her, to discover what you can. I trust no one else with this task. To all the world I am nothing other than pleased by my Prince's direction, and I welcome my bride without reservation nor explanation.

Fiorino: Then I am pleased to deliver you my first report: your sister has already done so.

Lucio: Caelia! Bless her, she is too kind. Does she not regret that it must mean Anfisa will depose her as mistress of this house?

Fiorino: She has mourned your bachelor ways for many years, Lucio. Caelia is transported with joy for you and her new sister.

Lucio: Would that she had mourned my unmarried state less, so I could bring her some joy in mourning later. I am indeed a sorry excuse for a brother.

Fiorino: As your brother-in-arms, I must protest.

Lucio: As my brother-in-arms, you speak as one killer to another. I am an excellent assassin, but a mediocre brother. 'Tis cruel but fitting that I who have caused so many strangers' sisters grief am now obliged to bring sorrow upon my own.


End file.
